By Harold and Ellen Kameya

Twenty-two years ago, our then 20-year old daughter Valerie told us she was gay. As Sansei from Hawaii, raised in a socially conservative Japanese American culture, Valerie’s announcement devastated us. At that time, we were woefully ignorant on issues of sexual orientation, including that being gay is not a choice. As part of that ignorance, we were saddened that we would never see our daughter get married or have a family.

Fortunately, we were referred to an organization called Parents Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). We were the only Asian Americans in PFLAG, but it became our lifeboat, guiding us in our search to understand a topic that none of our Japanese American friends or family ever spoke about.

In 1990, we were asked to share our experiences with a group of gay Asian Americans. That meeting was a turning point for us. After we spoke, we were moved by the tears on the faces of the audience. They told us of the pain that gays and lesbians faced. In turn, they opened up our minds and hearts, and we felt compelled to try to break the silence in our community. Supported by Japanese American and Anglo straight allies, clergy and churches in the United Church of Christ and the United Methodist Church, and PFLAG, we spoke out at conventions and to church groups and college classes.

Reaching out to the Asian American community has been difficult. We have found that our community does not like to deal with subjects that are “uncomfortable” or outside the normal scope of daily conversation. Thus, as parents of a gay daughter, we were amazed and touched when the national JACL endorsed same-sex marriages in 1994. It was a bold and courageous decision – and one that profoundly inspired us. To both of us, it was sign that our otherwise closed community might be cracking open the door ever so slightly to gays and lesbians.

Since 1994, that door has been pushed wide open. Just as the society has become more accepting of gays and lesbians, Japanese Americans and Asian Americans more generally have also become more accepting. In part, open support for gays and lesbians from community organizations, elected officials, and others as well as positive media stories have helped shift public opinion. For example, the Asian Pacific American Legal Center found that 63% of Japanese Americans voters supported marriage equality for gays and lesbians and that between 2000 and 2008, Asian American voters shifted the most in favor of marriage equality.  That support for the freedom to marry makes us very pleased. Ellen and I have been married for 44 years. We think of our own wedding day, when we publicly declared to the world our love and commitment to each other. It was a day we cherished and shared by our families and friends.

However, it was a day that I never thought our daughter Valerie would be able to celebrate.  When the California Supreme Court gave the right to marry to gays and lesbians in May 2008, our daughter gained something that is both precious and common – the basic right to marry the person of her choice. Her mother and I were thrilled that our daughter could marry!

Sadly, the passage of Proposition 8 took away that right just a few months later.  Fundamentalist church groups donated much of the funding that helped to pass Prop 8 and deny full equality to a significant group of people, including our daughter. We vow to help regain Valerie’s right to marry, starting with repealing Prop 8 in California. The fight begins with building support for marriage equality in both Asian American and Christian communities – a difficult battle, but not an impossible one. But a fight that needs other parents, siblings, friends of gays and lesbians to get involved.

To get involved in the fight for marriage equality, contact API Equality-LA, www.apiequalityla.org, or Asian Pacific Islander PFLAG, apipflag@yahoo.com.

Harold and Ellen Kameya are long-time residents of Granada Hills. Harold is a retired electronics engineer and Ellen is a retired school teacher. They now devote their time to their family and supporting organizations like API PFLAG, California Faith for Equality, and API Equality-LA.